The National Idle Party Needs YOU! by Normal Wisdom

When individuals representing political organisations knock my door to canvas my vote, I ask myself this one important question: could I trust this person to operate SKY plus and record Eastenders for me?

The answer, invariably, is always a resounding: No.

If they are unable to perform the simple task of setting a SKY box properly, how are they to be trusted with the serious business of running the country?

Therefore, it gives great pleasure to announce that I am the new leader of the newly formed National Idle Party – the political party for the apathetic, indifferent, lazy and uninterested.

Our main campaign objective is proportional representation. The current voting structure discriminates against the idle. With the existing method a voter is expected to endure a tiring and exhaustive process just to register his or her vote! It is not representative of the true democratic wishes of the majority who don’t bother turning up to vote in elections.

To combat this outrageously undemocratic voting system it is the suggestion of the National Idle Party that in the next election any person not wanting to cast his or her vote for the National Idle Party has to turn up at their local polling station and vote for the party of their choice. This clears the way for voters who do not turn out, who in previous elections would have been classified as non-voters, to be reclassified as votes for the National Idle Party. This would be true democracy in action, and if this fair model for voting had been used in previous elections, including the last one, the National Idle Party would have swept home in them all.

The National Idle Party is pro-European in outlook. Any scheme that reduces our responsibilities whilst keeping our salaries intact has our full backing and support.

Parliament has ruled Britain for hundreds of years (I would be breaking party rules on shirking responsibility if I researched the exact date), and during this time there have still been wars, poverty, poor health, poor education and general dissatisfaction amongst the populous. In the past, governments have been active and meddling, overly keen to play their part in the running of the nation. They make changes here and laws there, all of which creates further legislation and more tiresome paper work. You wouldn’t catch the National Idle Party doing this, mainly because trying to run a nation requires effort, and a lot of it, for something that doesn’t seem to work very well and, as history demonstrates, only leads to criticism.

It is our promise, if elected to government, to skive, feign illness and laze around for the good of everyone, not just ourselves. Most days our elected MPs will not even turn up to Parliament. Instead they will probably lie-in and rise in time for Countdown. And should some terrible catastrophe occur during our term in office we would be in the enviable position of being able to shrug our shoulders and point out to the electorate that we honestly pledged ‘to do nothing, and by Jove, nothing we have jolly well done!’

So it stands to reason that in doing nothing we cannot be held responsible for any failure, because how can we fail if we do not even try? We would be an idle government, the first one to be entirely blameless and free of consequence and guilt.

Obviously our stance provides no solutions, especially to catastrophes should they occur, so the National Idle Party would fully endeavor to turn its back on any crisis, and I can promise you now that we would do this until completely satisfied it has gone away, or at least been forgotten by the media and general public. Failing that, we will do the next sensible thing and look for a very big carpet to sweep it beneath. Otherwise we shall, of course, blame the previous government’s policies.

Politics, you can’t eat it, as it’d probably give you a bad case of indigestion, but you could easily love it, although you probably wouldn’t want to for fear of what you might catch. In which case, on behalf of the National Idle Party, I thank you kindly for reading this – though shame on you if you’re Idle – and beg you to pledge your support to our campaign by doing nothing, or, if you have sufficient pluck, you could inform others about our movement.

We, the National Idle Party, are good for nothing.

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