Why don’t the 98% of us pool our considerable talents together and build a giant rocket to fire the other 2% into deepest space? By Normal Wisdom.

The psychology of killing throws up an amazing statistic, which is 98% of war combatants right up until the Second World War could not kill. Quite how this figure was arrived at is debatable, but let us suppose for a second it is true, and that 98% of the people ‘fighting’ were incapable of squeezing the trigger letting loose a dirty grey bullet and ending another human life.

Statistically the veterans you have met have never killed. Sure, people might call them pansies, wimps and cowards for this, but I think they are true human beings, and here is why. If that figure of 98% is to be believed, then it’s most revealing and truest meaning is that 98% of people fighting in wars do not want to shoot another person dead and would much rather be elsewhere. It means that instinctively, deep down, they know killing humans is wrong.

Still, 2% can kill, the majority of this 2% loving it too, and apparently this 2% can be broken down even further into two categories: the psychopaths and those who kill to be heroes. I’m sorry, but anyone who ends a life to be a hero is most definitely a psycho, end of story. If you really want to be a hero that badly, then I suggest you put the gun down and steal a load of AIDS drugs, fly to Africa and distribute them freely to the people who need and can’t afford them. Now that would be a proper hero.

If psychos really love killing that much could we not swap them with some of the 98% in the armed forces who are not so hot on it? Could we not empty our prisons and feed the army with these dregs of humanity and let it loose on opposing armies when all other options are exhausted and it is necessary to do so?

This is a great, if not slightly controversial idea, but one that will never happen, as the media would never stand for it. If we have armies full of genuine psychopaths, we will never again have those jolly victorious images of soldiers raising flags and toppling dictators statues, instead we would be watching gruesome shots of wild-eyed psychos devouring and wearing the skins of their dead opponents, far too disturbing to beam into your homes twenty-four-seven on the news channels. War should remain good, clean, wholesome fun for all the family.

By the way, anyone reading this and currently thinking ‘oh my God, these fair isles are being defended by people who don’t want to kill, we are going to be invaded’ let me put your mind to rest by offering two positives that’ll help you sleep at night.

Firstly, millions are hooked on video games that focus on nothing else but killing. The skilled people who play these games are desensitised to all kinds of horrifying violence and carnage, and they regard killing as no bigger a deal than turning a light switch on or off. Right now all these joystick wigglers are sitting at home on their sofas and thinking ‘bring it on’. Each one ravenous, salivating and mad, craving a real buzz of excitement to enter their dreary little lives and illuminate the otherwise pale and mundane existence that they create for themselves daily. Therefore, a willing, unofficial, well-trained army to protect you exists out there, okay.

Secondly – and this is the crucial point which will really set you at ease – is this: that figure of 2% in the army who are capable of killing has risen since the Second World War and is currently at a whopping 95%. That is incredible killing efficiency, and all made possible thanks to the intensive training and the psychological restructuring of recruits. So stop your namby-pamby worrying, you’re protected by the best. Rest easy, okay.

Having said that, my great fear is that one of these highly trained killing machines will be discharged early from the army, something to do with them being much too rough for it. And he or she will become my neighbour and have a great dislike for my cats, my music and the ways in which I cut my grass, casually mind my own business and breathe. Gulp!

Anyhow, time to rein this in and return to the video game. Evil Rampaging Extremist Zombie Religious Fundamentalist Stormtroopers From Space do not just zap themselves into oblivion with laser guns, you know! On the other hand, maybe I should turn it off and begin drawing up plans for that rocket? Adios.

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